Fun Stuff and A Good Laff

Conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. 

The following are accounts of actual exchanges 

between airline pilots and control towers around the world.

  Some new ones...





Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!" 

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we  make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it  hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long  take-off  queue:

"I'm friging bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,  identify

yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft:   "I said I was friging

bored, not friging stupid!"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,  your traffic is

a Fokker, one  o'clock, three miles, outbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say  this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country  flight. While

attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was  your

last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an  exceedingly long

roll out after touching down.

San JoseTowerNoted: "American 751, make a  hard right turn at the end

of the runway, if you are able. If you are not  able, take the

Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and  return

to the airport."

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a  priority

landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit

peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number

two,  behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,  "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,  turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally  took off.

A concerned passenger  asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was

the problem?" "The pilot was  bothered by a noise he heard in the

engine," explained the flight  attendant.  "It took us a while to find

a new pilot."

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane, in a beautiful English accent:

"Because you lost the bloody war."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact  Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to  Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on  the far end of

the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind  Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report  from

Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for  take-off, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the  tower to hold

short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some

quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute  little plane.  Did you make it all  by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,  came back with

a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing  like

yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at  Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot.  They not only  expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without  any assistance from

them.  So it  was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened

to the following  exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a

British  Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.



Speedbird 206:   "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground:   "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747

pulled onto

the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:   "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206:   "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):  "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to  Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly):  "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,  -- and

I didn't land."

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While taxiing at  London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to

nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out

at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right

onto Charlie  taxiway!  You've turned right onto  Delta.  Stop right

there. I know  it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C

and D, but get it  right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and

I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,  and how I

tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground

control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal

bashing of US Air 2771.   Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

ground controller in her  current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out around Gatwick was  definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed  his

microphone,asking: "Wasn't I married to you  once?